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Notes VIWHEN THE DAY WAS TOO SURREAL TO BE A DREAM
I looked in the mirror for so long it seemed like my soul was looking back at me. And it felt like I wasn't breathing anymore.
So many told me that I have been sick all this time and all the pain will make sense when I start feeling better
I know the difference between myself and the reflection of me,but I'm not sure which one you know.
You poor thing...Admit that you like to hate me...
I heard the see breathing from under my bed. And the air smelled like tragedy.
I could think and feel all this in seconds.
Notes VI haven't always been like this, it's just something I've become. And many people have a part in it. It reminds me of rusting a bit. Sometimes I'm absolutely convinced that people are making me worse. That if the rest of the world didn't exist I'd be who I really am. But for a long time I haven't been able to distinct technology from reality in my character.
But I know this one thing- I came to Rakke so I can find time to find myself, but I haven't made any progress in that department. Instead, I have been developing new and interesting characteristics that aren't all that good. I've discovered that Im not able to think for myself. I try to make people to react and behave accordingly to my moods and it seems to be working. Ad yet there are those who have control over me. I can't be honest. But... I'm more pleased with myself and more confident.
Still...It's really difficult to get along with yourself...
And then I remember times that I can really be ashamed of. Especially when I'm hurt
Notes IVI sometimes too eagerly surch through the past. Yet I know that nothing good ever comes of it. Especially if I think about the "gentlemen" of my past.
I have this strange pattern. Usually the man who I have a crush in becomes my good friend. Looks like that's as far as my charming personality gets me. In the end I always get redjected because they don't want to loose our friendship. But they never hold on to it either. And finally I discover that it's for the best. Take it to my knowledge. Calculate coldly. But that doesn't change the fact- I'm in love. I got hurt. And then I cry my heart out.
In all that trouble there are not one but two phases of denial.
The first one comes right after redjection. It must be a mistake! He couldn't ave meant it! There had to be a strange reason for him to lie to me. I just don't believe it. He did say...and did...And the way he acted.
A total mess. Also you get a very strong urge to ask the person why they don't like you.
Then you cry a lot and despai
Notes IIII want to talk about myself.
To talk to myself. Expalne and ask...It's too hard to come to terms with yourself. I don't even know me. I'd really like to...And I hope it's not too late. Otherwise I have to keep apologizeing to myself and others for the rest of my life.
Once upon a time love meant everything. It felt physically bad when I didn't have anybody to love. It was even worse when I wasn't loved.
So I loved. With all my heart. Different men who all hurt me one way or the other. And with each time my heart felt emptier. And I came to a conclusion that I don't need love and if it does seem to happen I'll smuther it in the bud. Because I've had too much of weird silence and avoiding and anger.
I told my best friend about it. His reply was typical of a person in love," Why don't you do something about it?"
And what exactly is this IT I have to do?
I could somehow keep myself together and didn't scream everything that had been boiling inside me for ages.
I don't want somebody just fo
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